Well that's a falsehood really as I work 8 til 5.
So today was my first day back at work. I'm on phased return so only have to go in tomorrow and that's me done for the week. My weekend starts early, how very exciting.
It wasn't as bad as I had anticipated to be honest. My boss was nervy and a tiny bit irritating as he clearly has no idea how to deal with a woman who left to have a live baby and has come back a bereaved parent on the edge of sanity. I had no wobbles, I even answered the phone despite them telling me I didn't have to (in case I scare the customers away). I slipped right back into it, I have to say. I am always impeccably professional at work. I don't shirk, I work hard and I am good at what I do. So it was actually nice to slip back into that mindset again, it was a welcome injection of reality. In fact it was almost like the last 12 months of my life never happened. 2009 seemed like a missing year in my mind. A dream, albeit a horrific one.
The only thing that reminded me was the huge wallchart in front of my desk. Last year I counted down every milestone of my pregnancy on that chart. I counted the weeks and days to each appointment, each scan, each parenting class. At the end I stared endlessly at my due date, 14th October. I gazed at it and wondered when my baby would arrive, knowing nothing of how much my life was going to change.
So it was hard to look at that empty calendar today. I have no happy goals, no celebratory milestones to look forward to. Just the anniversary of my babies death, and her birthday. And her cremation date.
I am in the 2 week wait at the minute. I am tired of living to ovulate every month, I wish someone could turn my brain off. I am all consumed with getting pregnant again. We have had endless sex each month and nothing has been happening. I am starting to feel like I am losing this pregnancy race. And I know it's not really a race, but I am starting to wonder if it will ever happen to me again. I want to move on from this chapter in my life and just start living again.Just being me, and not living and striving to have a baby, a living, breathing offspring. I just want to live again, and not living to reproduce. And I'm pissed off that I can't get there yet.
The monotony of the daily grind can be a great distraction from our pain. I'm praying for happy news for you, Amy! Hugs from the other side of the pond!
ReplyDeleteWork. It's so strange being back isn't it? I certainly have that feeling that I just made the last two years of my up, that it was all imaginary somehow. The image of you looking at that empty calendar just breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteI can really identify with your words about trying to fall pregnant. I hope that you have good news this month xo
Wow, how awesome you slipped back into work so easily and that the distraction was a welcome one. Maybe I should think about that too, having tossed the idea around for some time now. However, as for the race to procreate, the only wisdom I can impart is that when your body is ready it will happen. Hoping your two week wait doesn't drive you nuts and that you get your BFP soon. Hugs
ReplyDeleteYes, work really helped me too. At first I was upset at how my life just went back to "normal" as if nothing ever happened, but I've found ways to incorporate Mackenzie into my every day life (even at work) so that made it much easier. Wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy ASAP :)
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Ashley
I felt the same about going back to work. It felt good to go back and get into a routine again and it really felt like I had never left. I have a few more days before I can find out if I'm pregnant. It's been 9 months and I just want it to happen already! I want it so much! I hope we can both have good news soon.
ReplyDeleteDistractions: I, too, really like the work routine and getting back into the swing of things. I find it cathartic. I know not everyone does, but I do. Hoping for the best outcome for you!
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