I've been so busy lately, I haven't had time to blog. This isn't to say things have got any better, things are still shit. But I just haven't had the time to write about the badness, I'm too busy living it.
So it is a new year. Everyone keeps telling me this will be our year and I am trying to believe it. So far I have not managed to get pregnant again, despite really trying. Every month I break my heart when my period shows up, the last one arrived on Christmas day morning so that was a big fat kick in the teeth. This time last year I got my BFP with Lucy. I was apprehensive as I expected to miscarry again but as time ticked on I let myself dare to hope that I would finally achieve my dream of being a mummy. I imagined that this Christmas I would be frazzled from no sleep, carrying a screaming newborn round and smelling of baby sick.
I have started having severe panic attacks. I have never had them before in my life and when I had the first one I truly thought I was having a heart attack. I had no idea how physical they were. The racing heart, the breathlessness, the sweating and shaking and the irrational fear that I am about to shuffle off this mortal coil. So I'm off to the doctors about them this week at some point. Obviously this is connected to Lucy and my sudden fear of death and people I love dying, but I am not sure how to deal with it and stop them happening.
I go back to work this month on 'phased' return, they are worried I am going to have a breakdown and tell my customers to shove their cheese up their arses (I work for a dairy company). I am looking forward to getting some normality back, and there is only so much Loose Women that I can take.
I also had my consultant appointment last month to get my PM results. Long and short of it is they think I may have APS and so I have been tested again for that, if it comes back positive again then next time I'll be on blood thinners. The other thing was a 'sudden catachylsmic failure of the placenta'. It just packed up. So I'll also be induced next time at about 35-36 weeks. Not sure how I feel about it all really. Angry? Numb? Satisfied to finally have some answers? Hmmm. All of the above I guess. Just need to get pregnant again now, it's all I can think about or talk about. I'm getting on my own nerves.