So this was the week I had a meltdown. A real emotional freak out. The kind where I moan, cry, wail, sob, scream and curse BADLY (and nearly put my own windows through).
The trigger was that....on Tuesday morning I got a faintly positive HPT.
Don't get your hopes up I told myself (as I got my hopes up).
On Tuesday evening I got another faintly positive HPT. I decided to wait until the morning and test again and then tell John. My hopes were, by now, firmly up and waving cheerily in the breeze. So Wednesday morning I am looking at a snowy white test. So I try another. And another. And a different brand. And I go and buy even more tests. And they all come back snowy white, not even an evaporation line to comfort me. And I have to face the crushing realisation that whatever small spark had triggered the 2 pink lines had gone.
It was like being smacked over the head with a boulder, I could hear the mocking laughter ringing in my ears.
This whole TTC again had become a desperate obsession, I am like a junkie looking for a fix just to see 2 pink lines on that test. On Wedneday I felt as though all of my hope had sailed - life and the universe was mocking me. I really hit the bottom, I cried and sobbed and drank and if I somehow could have scored hard drugs I think I would have gone and got myself obliterated. I felt like I was sinking into quicksand and no one could help me. A friend said that surely I couldn't feel any worse than the day I lost Lucy but you know what, I did.
I felt much worse, I felt grief for the child, the daughter, that I had lost and also grief for the child I hadn't even conceived yet.
That's how it is every month we don't fall pregnant - I grieve for a child that wasn't even there, a child that is just a little glimmer of hope in my mind. And when that glimmer fades away I despair and torment myself.
So I faced the very real possibility that I was heading into depression. More and more was the urge to just vanish, close my blog, close my Facebook account, turn my phone off. And I realised that every day I was feeling this way then there was no hope of catching that egg. I believe the mind is a very powerful thing. Negative thoughts will not help my body conceive. I think my mind recognises that to fall pregnant whilst in such turmoil will not be good for the pregnancy.
And I know factually that the three times I have caught the egg have been when I 100% believed I wouldn't catch the egg, and I was therefore relaxed and putting no pressure on myself. So I have bought 2 Hypnotherapy CDs to listen to, one for relaxation and another directly for relaxation in preparation to conceive. Very hippy dippy I know but I am relishing the thought of taking charge of my own mind again, and being able to relax each month and not obsess or stress or torture myself. That is my preliminary goal, and of course I hope that this will lead to my secondary goal, to conceive. Here's hoping. Here's praying.