Saturday, 23 January 2010

Hitting the bottom...and bouncing back up

So this was the week I had a meltdown. A real emotional freak out. The kind where I moan, cry, wail, sob, scream and curse BADLY (and nearly put my own windows through).

The trigger was that....on Tuesday morning I got a faintly positive HPT.

Don't get your hopes up I told myself (as I got my hopes up).

On Tuesday evening I got another faintly positive HPT. I decided to wait until the morning and test again and then tell John. My hopes were, by now, firmly up and waving cheerily in the breeze. So Wednesday morning I am looking at a snowy white test. So I try another. And another. And a different brand. And I go and buy even more tests. And they all come back snowy white, not even an evaporation line to comfort me. And I have to face the crushing realisation that whatever small spark had triggered the 2 pink lines had gone.

It was like being smacked over the head with a boulder, I could hear the mocking laughter ringing in my ears.
This whole TTC again had become a desperate obsession, I am like a junkie looking for a fix just to see 2 pink lines on that test. On Wedneday I felt as though all of my hope had sailed - life and the universe was mocking me. I really hit the bottom, I cried and sobbed and drank and if I somehow could have scored hard drugs I think I would have gone and got myself obliterated. I felt like I was sinking into quicksand and no one could help me. A friend said that surely I couldn't feel any worse than the day I lost Lucy but you know what, I did.
I felt much worse, I felt grief for the child, the daughter, that I had lost and also grief for the child I hadn't even conceived yet.
That's how it is every month we don't fall pregnant - I grieve for a child that wasn't even there,  a child that is just a little glimmer of hope in my mind. And when that glimmer fades away I despair and torment myself.
So I faced the very real possibility that I was heading into depression. More and more was the urge to just vanish, close my blog, close my Facebook account, turn my phone off. And I realised that every day I was feeling this way then there was no hope of catching that egg. I believe the mind is a very powerful thing. Negative thoughts will not help my body conceive. I think my mind recognises that to fall pregnant whilst in such turmoil will not be good for the pregnancy.
And I know factually that the three times I have caught the egg have been when I 100% believed I wouldn't catch the egg, and I was therefore relaxed and putting no pressure on myself. So I have bought 2 Hypnotherapy CDs to listen to, one for relaxation and another directly for relaxation in preparation to conceive. Very hippy dippy I  know but I am relishing the thought of taking charge of my own mind again, and being able to relax each month and not obsess or stress or torture myself. That is my preliminary goal, and of course I hope that this will lead to my secondary goal, to conceive. Here's hoping. Here's praying.


  1. Oh Amy. Snowy white for me too this time round. It is such an emotional roller coaster, this ttc business. I'm hoping that I'll learn to cope with it better in time.
    I'm so sorry you had such an awful time on Wednesday and I hope the hypnotherapy CDs help you to relax. I'm thinking of trying them too!
    Hoping and praying for you xo

  2. Awwww Amy!! I'm sorry there wern't 2 lines yet but I think it's wonderful that you have the strength to pick yourself up and find the determination somehow to try to stay positive, relax, and not stress. You are very strong, even though you may not feel you are.

  3. Oh no! How cruel, to see those two lines and then to have them vanish. Sometimes I think my decision to not have any more children when I lost my son was better for me than this roller coaster of emotions. It doesn't erase the longing though...And, as someone who is struggling with a drug addiction right now, I urge you not to go down the road of numbing out that I did. When my son died, I turned to painkillers to quiet the emotional pain I was in and now, a year later, I am struggling to stop. Please keep in touch with your inner self and if you do feel you are heading into depression, I beg you to get some help. I would hate, hate, hate for anything to happen to you that might compromise your ability to conceive a healthy baby in your future. Hope you are feeling better soon. Hugs

  4. Am sending lots of positive thoughts and love your way hunni.... you don't realise how strong you are and you can shake your head and say your not - but to even write this down shows how strong you are and I can only hope,pray and wish that you and John get some wonderful news soon xxx Biggest ever hugs for you xxxxxxxxxxx

  5. I feel for you Amy, I really do. This was me this time last year. Staring at a snowy white test on Simon's 30th birthday (he's 31 today). I know the devastaion and desperation all too well and I am sending you loads of love and luck.
    You can do this. And we're all here for you.

  6. I'm so sorry that the hope of those lines disappeared! :(

    I totally agree with you on the relaxation. I can attest to it! When we were trying for my daughter Kyndra we tried hard for 3 months and then I just let it go and the next month I was pregnant. With Carleigh I just let it be and it took a month. This time we tried and tried for 9 months and I finally told God to take care of it and I end up pregnant. The mind definitely has a stronghold over the body. So I am sending you relaxation vibes to help you!!!