Yeeeeeeeeeeeee har...are you all still there?

Hello fellow Angel Mummies!!

Not been on in a while....but I am WANK today - and that is generally how I arrive on this playing field, angry, and full of bitterness.

So I'm not preggers. Nope. Even a CBFM for all it's expensive glory could not help me conceive. But NOW even worse is the fact my period has gone AWOL. Yup. 4 days late but a rebel without a cause. Bastard thing. And the longer it is on it's cruise of the world, the longer I can't try again.

And so whilst I am feeling like the worlds biggest FAILURE as a woman, my very, very BEST friend (I have mentioned her here before) has had....dun dun durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:

a beautiful little girl, Ava Rose.

Of course she had a girl. And proceeded to tell me how amazing and beautiful she was. I wish I could be 100% happy. But little girls make me green. I wish I could tell you how I was grateful they'd both made it.

But really?

I'm jealous they've made it through with no tradegy. Why am I the failure? The letdown?

Why my Lucy? Even if I have been an evil person (I don't think I have?!?) Why take my little innocent?

I am going on holiday to get rat arsed.

Fuck you Mother Nature

That's all I have to say really. Today, in the words of Paul Whitehouse, "I are been mostly feeling.........pissed off".

I was perfectly pregnant for nine wonderful months. Everyone commented how well I looked, how radiant, "How BIG!", "Pregnancy suits you", "You look blooming"....

...please, keep the cliches coming!

Then one day, my wriggly, wiggly little girl stopped moving. And my whole world turned to shit. I have a perfect nursery that, once more, is being turned into a dumping ground for our life junk. I have a buggy, I have a car seat, I have baby clothes, a baby bath, a cot mobile, a baby monitor.

No baby though.

I had a baby. But I lost her. I hate that phrase, it makes it sound as though I put Lucy down whilst I looked for the car keys and then forgot where I had put her.
A couple of months ago I was massive, plump, bursting with a healthy little girl. But I couldn't keep her alive, my body let her down and she suffocated.
She had masses of hair, long blonde eyelashes, long legs and MASSIVE feet! Just like her Dad. Her skin was soft, her fingernails were perfect. She was my wonderful little daughter. this is Lucy:

The post where I become obsessed with TTC...

How the tears have come today. I have been so pleased with myself, I have managed to keep the pretence up for a whole week! I was almost able to perfect my faux smile and sincerity in my voice when I answered another enquiry after my well being with the words "I'm fine".
But I'm really not. I am sometimes, but only when I blank out what has just happened. I have to blank it out because if I dwell on it the sadness just overwhelms me.
I want a baby so much, I want to be pregnant again NOW, instantly. But I know that I could have a million baby girls after Lucy and I would still want another, because basically I want Lucy. I want my life how I imagined it was going to be a few months ago. I don't want this new life. But it doesn't matter how many times I write this on my blog, it won't change what has happened. I have prayed, I have bargained with God to let me wake up and be back at the start again. I have asked Budha for help, I have asked Karma to step in. It doesn't make a difference, I am set on this path now, like it or not. And I pick 'not'.
I am full of anticipation, of fear and excitement. I am on CD12, I am approaching the Holy Grail of Ovulation. Baby dancing season is upon us, I am hoping, praying that luck, God, Life, Karma - whatever - is on our side and we get pregnant. Please, please, please. We shall see. I need something to focus on, something positive. I need a new life growing inside me. Praying for everyone who is in this boat riding this storm with me. Please just let us have some good news, something joyous instead of all this pain and sadness.

I'm going to be a total bitch to live with if this falls through.

Beautiful Bickerton

I've not been on to write my blog in a while. I've been to stay with my family for a few days (which I could write a whole other blog about, it ranged from the ridiculous to the depressing but I guess that's families for you!) and then I guess I haven't needed to write on my blog because I've been...OK. Not amazing, but not really awful. Just OK. And it was really nice to be OK for a little bit. When I think back to how I felt a few weeks ago I'm amazed. I guess time is a healer, or you just find ways of coping. John is going back to work tomorrow after 4 weeks, so we'll see how I fare when I'm on my own with my thoughts.

We went for a walk today, it was a lovely Autumn afternoon:

 

Just gorgeous. It was so nice to walk with John and Marley (the dog) and just be alone with our thoughts.

I'm also in a positive mood because Aunt Flo showed up bang on 28 days after having Lucy. I wasn't sure at first if it was just my post natal bleeding starting again as it's been on and off over the last 2 weeks but it got really heavy and I was a bit concerned. The hospital asked to check me over to make sure all was OK and I didn't have any retained tissue, so I've had a scan and everything looks really good so it looks like my body has done me a small favour at least and has 'snapped' back into its cycle again. For now anyway. So that means I can now officially TTC! Hurray! Hold onto your hats everyone!

Lucy's Necklace

This morning the necklace and keyring arrived that we bought in memory of Lucy. I love them! I have been waiting for them for agesssssssssss. John is to have the keyring. We have also booked to have a memorial tattoo done, we will both be indelibly inked on Friday 13th November...dur dur durrrrrr! It's a good job I'm not superstitious or I think I'd have to chicken out. The lady at the tattoo parlour is busy drawing up our design so I hope to have it soon to see what I think.
I have been messing with my blog page, I wanted to make it personal to me and Lucy but I have been trying to create my own background and not doing a very good job. So I settled for this one for now, I liked the colours and the butterflies.

Heartache, heartache, heartache

Today I am so very sad. My heart aches. The days are too long and there are too many days between now and where I want to be. I am tired of getting my hopes up only to have them not just smashed, but really crushed, splintered into lots of irrepairable pieces and then stomped on some more.

Two long years of trying for a family, and three pregnancies in those two years.

And also three losses in those two years.

'You are lucky' people tell me, 'At least you know you can get pregnant' or 'Two years is not that long in the grand scheme of things'. And I find myself agreeing with them, yes we are lucky that we know we can conceive naturally, and yes two years is a short time indeed - my Mum took six years to conceive my Sister and seven years then to conceive me. But this does not make these losses any easier. I am sorry to say I find it very hard to consider myself 'lucky' when I have lost all three sucessive pregnancies, what positives can I possibly be expected to see in this desolate situation? Three times of hopes and dreams being destroyed. I have no living child to spur me on, to remind me that there can be a reward at the end of this misery. All I have known is death and pain and that is all I now associate with pregnancy. Getting pregnant = loss. I cannot imagine my path being any different now. Will it ever be any different?

I am desperate for another baby, we have been 'doing the deed' now my stitches are healed and my bleeding has stopped. We are not using any contraception, yes it is going against the advice of my Doctor to wait for my first period before TTC but I don't want to waste any opportunity to catch that egg. If I had my way I'd like to genetically engineer the female reproductive system so it ovulated at least every week. Let's not waste time with this 28 day cycle thing (or 24 day, or 38 day - depends on what mood my body is in). Let's get jiggy with it. I bet John can't wait to get back to the purely functional sex stage again. Me barking at him that we need, MUST have sex tonight, I am ovulating, I can tell by my EWCM and temperature. It's enough to give anyone a hard on! And then after the main event, lying with my gigantic, white arse in the air for half an hour so I don't spill a drop, instead of cuddling and falling asleep in each others arms. And they say romance is dead.
Writing it down really brings it home. I cannot believe two years down the line all I have to show for my pregnancies is an empty nusery and some vouchers for Mothercare. Thanks a bunch Mother Nature.

'You are already a Mum, you are Lucy's Mummy' people tell me. Yes, true. Well on paper anyway. I have given birth, I carried a baby and birthed her into the world, she is my daughter and I am her Mummy. But let's be realistic. I'm not actually a Mummy. Not in practice. I still have not had the opportuniy to learn and do all of the nurturing things that Mummies do. I have never heard my darling babies call me by this term. I am still none the wiser how to bathe a baby, make a bottle up, wind and change a little one. If this bitch of a life ever decides to let me keep one of my offspring then I will be a second time Mummy who still has no clue.
I am suffering from a bad case of square peg round hole syndrome. Where is my place amongst my friends and family? I am forever changed, and not in the way I wanted to be. I have no desire to return to my former life, the desicion to have children spoke volumes - no more party girl anymore. Enough was enough. Time to be a grown up. But I haven't quite reached grown up status yet. I am not allowed into the exclusive Mothers club. Perhaps I am not dressed correctly. Or maybe they just didn't like the cut of my jib.


Please can I have a pregnancy that = baby (live baby, to just clarify that Mother Nature. You old bag. I think I'm entitled to call you that now).

Dear Lucy, I hope you are having fun in Heaven. Mummy is sad....

Today started so well, I was in a very happy mood, very positive. A sunny day on earth and in spirit.

So why am I sat here, choked up, tears ready to spill down my cheeks? What has made me sad?

Was it looking at your pictures, Lucy? I sat and looked at them today, I wish I had more. I wish I had more of you with your mouth shut, I don't like the pictures where your lips hang open. It makes you look even more lifeless, rather than like a sleeping angel. I wish I had picures of your feet! Those gigantic feet, outsized on such a tiny baby, but so perfect. I can't remember what you looked like in person. I am worried I will forget.

Was it going into the beautiful nursery we had prepared for you? Jungle animals all over the walls, Fisher price mobile hanging on the cot, changing mat ready and stacks of different size nappies. Rocking chair in the corner where I sat so many times and imagined holding you to my breast and nursing you in the early hours. I imagined rocking you back to sleep and John coming in to see where I was - how we would both stand at the end of the cot and gaze lovingly at you, proud of our little family.

Was it visiting my two little nieces for the eldests' birthday? Did you see my tears Lucy? I cried as I watched them play and open presents, knowing I would never see you play or sit amidst piles of presents, never see you parade in a princess dress, or climb onto your Daddies lap to plant a cake-crumbed kiss on his face.

Was it going to the Baby and child memorial service at the hospital? Was it sitting amongst the heartbroken parents, Grandparents, Brothers and Sisters? Was it seeing all those candles lit, knowing that each tiny flame represented a little soul, a tiny person that was no longer here?

Was it coming home again to my empty house? That should now be filled with baby cries and coos, nappies, toys and bibs strewn around, me smelling of baby wipes and milky baby sick. But instead it's filled with dying bouquets of flowers and sympathy cards. And sadness. And two heartbroken parents of a baby they can't cuddle and whisper their love to.

It was all of these things that has made me sad, my darling baby girl. And a million more besides. How can you not be here? Why were you taken from us when we were so close to holding you in our arms? What the hell have we done to deserve this?

We didn't just lose you, we also lost all our dreams and hopes for you too. There will always be a massive hole in our family where you should be, Lucy. You were so, so wanted and loved. So very loved, even from when you were a tiny little speck on that scan. Your poor Mummy and Daddy are breaking their hearts for you, every day. 

I just wanted to be your Mummy.