Sunday, 22 November 2009

Yeeeeeeeeeeeee har...are you all still there?

Hello fellow Angel Mummies!!

Not been on in a while....but I am WANK today - and that is generally how I arrive on this playing field, angry, and full of bitterness.

So I'm not preggers. Nope. Even a CBFM for all it's expensive glory could not help me conceive. But NOW even worse is the fact my period has gone AWOL. Yup. 4 days late but a rebel without a cause. Bastard thing. And the longer it is on it's cruise of the world, the longer I can't try again.

And so whilst I am feeling like the worlds biggest FAILURE as a woman, my very, very BEST friend (I have mentioned her here before) has had....dun dun durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:

a beautiful little girl, Ava Rose.

Of course she had a girl. And proceeded to tell me how amazing and beautiful she was. And I have tried so hard to feel happy, and shut my own feelings out. I wish I could be 100% happy. But little girls make me green with envy. I should have a little girl here with me. I wish I could tell you how I was happy for them, and mean it truthfully.

But... I just can't stop these terrible feelings of jealousy that they get their happy ending and I don't. Why am I the failure? The letdown?

Why my Lucy? Even if I have been an evil person (I don't think I have?!?) Why take my little innocent?

I am going on holiday to get rat arsed.

Friday, 6 November 2009

Fuck you Mother Nature

That's all I have to say really. Today, in the words of Paul Whitehouse, "I are been mostly feeling.........pissed off".

I was perfectly pregnant for nine wonderful months. Everyone commented how well I looked, how radiant, "How BIG!", "Pregnancy suits you", "You look blooming"....

...please, keep the cliches coming!

Then one day, my wriggly, wiggly little girl stopped moving. And my whole world turned to shit. I have a perfect nursery that, once more, is being turned into a dumping ground for our life junk. I have a buggy, I have a car seat, I have baby clothes, a baby bath, a cot mobile, a baby monitor.

No baby though.

I had a baby. But I lost her. I hate that phrase, it makes it sound as though I put Lucy down whilst I looked for the car keys and then forgot where I had put her.
A couple of months ago I was massive, plump, bursting with a healthy little girl. But I couldn't keep her alive, my body let her down and she suffocated.
She had masses of hair, long blonde eyelashes, long legs and MASSIVE feet! Just like her Dad. Her skin was soft, her fingernails were perfect. She was my wonderful little daughter. this is Lucy:

Monday, 2 November 2009

The post where I become obsessed with TTC...

How the tears have come today. I have been so pleased with myself, I have managed to keep the pretence up for a whole week! I was almost able to perfect my faux smile and sincerity in my voice when I answered another enquiry after my well being with the words "I'm fine".
But I'm really not. I am sometimes, but only when I blank out what has just happened. I have to blank it out because if I dwell on it the sadness just overwhelms me.
I want a baby so much, I want to be pregnant again NOW, instantly. But I know that I could have a million baby girls after Lucy and I would still want another, because basically I want Lucy. I want my life how I imagined it was going to be a few months ago. I don't want this new life. But it doesn't matter how many times I write this on my blog, it won't change what has happened. I have prayed, I have bargained with God to let me wake up and be back at the start again. I have asked Budha for help, I have asked Karma to step in. It doesn't make a difference, I am set on this path now, like it or not. And I pick 'not'.
I am full of anticipation, of fear and excitement. I am on CD12, I am approaching the Holy Grail of Ovulation. Baby dancing season is upon us, I am hoping, praying that luck, God, Life, Karma - whatever - is on our side and we get pregnant. Please, please, please. We shall see. I need something to focus on, something positive. I need a new life growing inside me. Praying for everyone who is in this boat riding this storm with me. Please just let us have some good news, something joyous instead of all this pain and sadness.

I'm going to be a total bitch to live with if this falls through.