Sunday, 22 November 2009

Yeeeeeeeeeeeee har...are you all still there?

Hello fellow Angel Mummies!!

Not been on in a while....but I am WANK today - and that is generally how I arrive on this playing field, angry, and full of bitterness.

So I'm not preggers. Nope. Even a CBFM for all it's expensive glory could not help me conceive. But NOW even worse is the fact my period has gone AWOL. Yup. 4 days late but a rebel without a cause. Bastard thing. And the longer it is on it's cruise of the world, the longer I can't try again.

And so whilst I am feeling like the worlds biggest FAILURE as a woman, my very, very BEST friend (I have mentioned her here before) has had....dun dun durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:

a beautiful little girl, Ava Rose.

Of course she had a girl. And proceeded to tell me how amazing and beautiful she was. And I have tried so hard to feel happy, and shut my own feelings out. I wish I could be 100% happy. But little girls make me green with envy. I should have a little girl here with me. I wish I could tell you how I was happy for them, and mean it truthfully.

But... I just can't stop these terrible feelings of jealousy that they get their happy ending and I don't. Why am I the failure? The letdown?

Why my Lucy? Even if I have been an evil person (I don't think I have?!?) Why take my little innocent?

I am going on holiday to get rat arsed.


  1. That really sucks. All of it. I'm sorry. I use the CBEFM too. I had very similar problems while trying for #2. it was so frustrating. Hang in there. Enjoy your holiday.

  2. Ugh, I feel you. Not pregnant either. I took a whole week's worth of tests hoping but nada. It's a sick cycle it seems.

  3. It is so hard not to have those feelings, even to those who are close to us. It isn't fair that our babies died, while others get to live, even though we wouldn't wish this pain on them. xx