How the tears have come today. I have been so pleased with myself, I have managed to keep the pretence up for a whole week! I was almost able to perfect my faux smile and sincerity in my voice when I answered another enquiry after my well being with the words "I'm fine".
But I'm really not. I am sometimes, but only when I blank out what has just happened. I have to blank it out because if I dwell on it the sadness just overwhelms me.
I want a baby so much, I want to be pregnant again NOW, instantly. But I know that I could have a million baby girls after Lucy and I would still want another, because basically I want Lucy. I want my life how I imagined it was going to be a few months ago. I don't want this new life. But it doesn't matter how many times I write this on my blog, it won't change what has happened. I have prayed, I have bargained with God to let me wake up and be back at the start again. I have asked Budha for help, I have asked Karma to step in. It doesn't make a difference, I am set on this path now, like it or not. And I pick 'not'.
I am full of anticipation, of fear and excitement. I am on CD12, I am approaching the Holy Grail of Ovulation. Baby dancing season is upon us, I am hoping, praying that luck, God, Life, Karma - whatever - is on our side and we get pregnant. Please, please, please. We shall see. I need something to focus on, something positive. I need a new life growing inside me. Praying for everyone who is in this boat riding this storm with me. Please just let us have some good news, something joyous instead of all this pain and sadness.
I'm going to be a total bitch to live with if this falls through.