Friday, 29 January 2010

Levelling myself out. Temporarily.

I don't really have much to say at the moment. I am in that limbo land between my period and ovulating. So I am just sitting here, twiddling my thumbs until I see those 2 lines on the OPK.
This month I am *trying* to be relaxed about this TTC business. As relaxed as a desperate, bereaved mother can be. I am trying to be a 'cup half full' kind of girl. I guess today I wanted to write down in black and white my rationalisations on TTC. Apologies for the boring blurb I am about to write but I need to see this before my eyes, I need it to be my mantra for the next few months:

  • I have been pregnant 3 times in 2 years. To be specific, 12 months of those 2 years I was actually pregnant so I have been pregnant 3 times in 12 months of trying. To be even MORE accurate I have been pregnant 3 times in 10 months, as John pointed out that after the MMC we took a break and spent all our baby savings on a holiday so we didn't *try* for 2 cycles. 30% success rate. That's a pretty good hit rate really.
  • I know I can carry a baby to term. Despite my earlier losses, I now know that I can get past that stage and grow a beautiful, healthy baby.
  • My temps are looking very good for an ovulatory cycle. I see a clear triphasic pattern, all looking good for that egg squeezing it's way into my tubes.
  • I know it could just take time. We were timing sex pretty perfectly for 5 months with no luck. Then on the 6th month BINGO. So I just need to remind my impatient self that it'll happen, just in it's own time.
  • Every month we don't get pregnant is a month longer my body has to heal itself after Lucy.
  • We always would have tried for another after our first. So even though I keep thinking we are still trying for our *first* baby - we aren't. Lucy was our first baby, our daughter. We are now trying for her brother or sister, just sooner than we had anticipated.
Hmm. Looks very positive on paper. I just need to keep telling myself all of the above to stop regressing to my 'cup half empty' personality. No easy feat really.

Tomorrow I am going to London to meet up with four other Babyloss Mamas. I feel nervous, like I'm going on a blind date. I wouldn't normally ever do anything like this, but since Lucy I feel that nothing should ever daunt me again, or make me think 'I can't do it'. The hardest thing I ever had to go through was to find out my daughter had passed away inside me, and then to go through childbirth knowing my greatest reward had already been taken from me. I figure if I can do that, and carry on living to tell the tale, then I can do anything (or at least attempt to anyway).

I am going to try my hardest to start living for me, and stop living just to get pregnant. I am going to try and be more like the 'old' me. I want more fun in my life this year, I want more love and more laughter. I am going to make an effort to visit all of my friends from Uni that I always promise to go and see. I am going to make sure we visit the lovely couple we made friends with on holiday. I am going to start going to festivals again as for the last two years I have put off going because I *might* be pregnant, was pregnant or thought I would have a baby. I am going to cook, I am going to lose weight, I am going to meet other Babyloss Mamas so I can give them a hug and cry with them.

These are my new rules, and I will keep chanting my new mantra to help me focus less on TTC and more on my life as it was 2 years ago. Except I have the added life experience of carrying and giving birth to my beautiful, precious darling Lucy.

Sleep tight my little angel, we love you to the moon and back xxxxx


  1. Great post Amy. You are doing so amazingly well. I really see so much of myself from 12 months ago in your posts now. I somehow made it to the "other side" and I believe you can, too.

  2. I think this is a very good mantra and these are all positive things. It's just so, so hard to wait isn't it?

    Hope you had a good meet up in London with your mamas. Remembering your little Lucy xo

  3. I hope you have a good time meeting the moms. I know I always like to meet other BLMs.