Monday, 5 October 2009

Some people just know what to say

John has been sad today, sad and pretty angry. If he wasn't worried about us having no car then I think he would have aimed it into the side of a few careless drivers today. My parents and sister came to see us yesterday and I was a bloody misery all day. They made us 'get out of the house' for a walk and I sobbed most of the time. It was a perfect Autumnal evening, the kind I normally adore. Brilliant colours, crisp air and that low, glowing sunshine. Except yesterday evening it was full of buggies and prams and happy families and I couldn't stand it, I was sickeningly jealous. Any other past Autumn I'd have been parading in a new coat, matching hat and scarf set and imagining I was on the front of a Christmas card whilst smugly kissing my Husband. Thinking about it I want to shake my former self until she's sick - stupid, selfish, and shallow child. I really thought I knew it all (at the grand old age of 27 - HA!) and was so judgmental on other people. I never realised how judgemental I really was! I am so ashamed to write what I am about to write, but I've been thinking about it today so why hide it? Whilst pregnant I used chat forums and so called 'birth' boards to discuss worries and compare pregnancy notes. During my time on these boards there would be many sad announcements about miscarriage and angel babies. A lady posted one day about her angel who had been born early and also posted pictures. In my 'sympathy' (and thinly disguised morbid fascination) I looked at these pictures - they made me sad, but I felt mainly unconnected as I never thought I would be there myself. She also posted pictures of various family members with her angel baby. And at that point I thought 'Hmmm, that's far too morbid. I think that is a bit wrong/unhealthy  grief/blahblahblah'. The pictures made me uncomfortable and I made a judgment about this lady, (who I can now empathise with wholeheartedly!). I thought she needed 'professional' help for her grief, to talk to someone, to start to 'get over' her loss. I was one of those annoying, smug bitches who thinks she has a lifetime of advice on the tip of her tongue when all she has is venomn and doesn't even realise it!
I wish I could remember her log on ID as I would message her now and tell her how I had felt at the time and how I now understand. I feel so guilty and disgusted with myself that those thoughts were in my head, yet at the time I thought I was the 'right' one and I even told my family about this poor woman and we all clucked and fussed over how it was sad it was for her loss, but she that she should get help! God I am so ANNOYED with myself for having those thoughts, who the hell did I think I was for making those judgements? How sad it took an experience like this to make me more compassionate for others. Thank you Lucy for this lesson at least (But sadly I'd be that selfish, immature child in a flash if it meant having you back in my life, I'm still selfish like that).
So anyway...(now I've had my virtual confessional) the original point of this post was... how some people just know what to say and do. Lots of people say the WRONG thing ('Gods will, Act of God, Nature intended it, Life's plan, You're young, You have your lives ahead of you, You'll have more children' are a few of the very special gems that splurge out of peoples mouths. The next time I am at a funeral perhaps I will say to the breaved family, "You're OLD, you should have expected them to DIE soon"). however, some people do know what to say, and most of the time they are not the people you would presume would react the 'right' way. We went to the doctors today as I have been left with a few problems after the traumatic birth. In the waiting room were K and J, the landlord and lady of John's old local. We were going to see them later today anyway as we want the balloon release and toast drink for Lucy to be held at their pub on Thursday afternoon as they know us and the family. J saw us come in and immediately got up and gave me a massive hug, she held me tightly and all she said was "We just cannot understand Life sometimes, I am so sorry darling". Nothing more profound, not trying to explain or excuse it. She hugged me tight and then she sat next to me and held my hand tightly and let me cry and talk about Lucy. After a while she was called into her appointment but her warmth and love stayed with me and it was worth so much more than I can tell you. She simply knew the right thing to say and do and it made my day. I hope that this horrific experience makes me more like J and less like my former self.
I love you Lucy, my sleeping beauty. I miss you baby girl. xxxx


  1. I think my favorite thing is when someone says to me "I don't know what to say". There are no words, so say nothing. Shut your mouth and open your arms. Us DBM's will take it from there.

    I had a similar experience as you. A few years ago, a teenage employee got pregnant with a guy who was sleeping with lots of other girls. She ended up having a 5-month loss, and I remember thinking it was for the best. Oh, how that has haunted me! The lessons we learn as we mature. Even the ones we really don't want to. After experiencing her pain firsthand, empathy and compassion has been well learned.

    I feel like God answered my prayer, and brought you someone who can comfort you. I'm so glad, and will be thanking Him tonight for his love for you and John, and for precious Lucy. :)

    Soar, Lucy....

  2. It is amazing how something as simple as that can help so much. I hate it when people try to make excuses for it. Even if people dont know what to say them just being there and giving you a hug is all you really need.

  3. I have had judgments and ugly thoughts that I am not proud of at all. I know my daughter has made me grow a lot.

  4. Ach Amy. I also used to be the girl in matching hat and scarf set too. Now I'm lucky to be wearing matching shoes :(

    You couldn't have known, I couldn't have known, how could any of us have known what it was like to lose a baby before it happened to us?

    Another blogger wrote a post about this Maya Angelou quote "You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better."

    I just hope I can do better next time, now I know better. Perhaps next time I can be the equivalent of K and J in someone else's life.

    Thinking of you, John and your sweet Lucy. xo

  5. "Nothing more profound, not trying to explain or excuse it."
    perfect. what your friend J said made me cry. granted, people say lots of things that make me cry, but not in a good way!
    thinking of you and your family. sweet Lucy is missed.