Today I am so very sad. My heart aches. The days are too long and there are too many days between now and where I want to be. I am tired of getting my hopes up only to have them not just smashed, but really crushed, splintered into lots of irrepairable pieces and then stomped on some more.
Two long years of trying for a family, and three pregnancies in those two years.
And also three losses in those two years.
'You are lucky' people tell me, 'At least you know you can get pregnant' or 'Two years is not that long in the grand scheme of things'. And I find myself agreeing with them, yes we are lucky that we know we can conceive naturally, and yes two years is a short time indeed - my Mum took six years to conceive my Sister and seven years then to conceive me. But this does not make these losses any easier. I am sorry to say I find it very hard to consider myself 'lucky' when I have lost all three sucessive pregnancies, what positives can I possibly be expected to see in this desolate situation? Three times of hopes and dreams being destroyed. I have no living child to spur me on, to remind me that there can be a reward at the end of this misery. All I have known is death and pain and that is all I now associate with pregnancy. Getting pregnant = loss. I cannot imagine my path being any different now. Will it ever be any different?
I am desperate for another baby, we have been 'doing the deed' now my stitches are healed and my bleeding has stopped. We are not using any contraception, yes it is going against the advice of my Doctor to wait for my first period before TTC but I don't want to waste any opportunity to catch that egg. If I had my way I'd like to genetically engineer the female reproductive system so it ovulated at least every week. Let's not waste time with this 28 day cycle thing (or 24 day, or 38 day - depends on what mood my body is in). Let's get jiggy with it. I bet John can't wait to get back to the purely functional sex stage again. Me barking at him that we need, MUST have sex tonight, I am ovulating, I can tell by my EWCM and temperature. It's enough to give anyone a hard on! And then after the main event, lying with my gigantic, white arse in the air for half an hour so I don't spill a drop, instead of cuddling and falling asleep in each others arms. And they say romance is dead.
Writing it down really brings it home. I cannot believe two years down the line all I have to show for my pregnancies is an empty nusery and some vouchers for Mothercare. Thanks a bunch Mother Nature.
'You are already a Mum, you are Lucy's Mummy' people tell me. Yes, true. Well on paper anyway. I have given birth, I carried a baby and birthed her into the world, she is my daughter and I am her Mummy. But let's be realistic. I'm not actually a Mummy. Not in practice. I still have not had the opportuniy to learn and do all of the nurturing things that Mummies do. I have never heard my darling babies call me by this term. I am still none the wiser how to bathe a baby, make a bottle up, wind and change a little one. If this bitch of a life ever decides to let me keep one of my offspring then I will be a second time Mummy who still has no clue.
I am suffering from a bad case of square peg round hole syndrome. Where is my place amongst my friends and family? I am forever changed, and not in the way I wanted to be. I have no desire to return to my former life, the desicion to have children spoke volumes - no more party girl anymore. Enough was enough. Time to be a grown up. But I haven't quite reached grown up status yet. I am not allowed into the exclusive Mothers club. Perhaps I am not dressed correctly. Or maybe they just didn't like the cut of my jib.
Please can I have a pregnancy that = baby (live baby, to just clarify that Mother Nature. You old bag. I think I'm entitled to call you that now).