Friday, 2 October 2009

Going home

So today we have been to register Lucy's birth and death. How cruel is that sentence to type? The registrar was very understanding. At the end, he said "I went through something similar. We went on to have 5 children". It made me think about our future, and how many I would like to have. I think I would like 4 children. But I'm almost too scared to even let myself dare to hope that we will, one day, take home from hospital a screaming newborn. I feel that my path is set on loss and misery and I cannot imagine anything else. I am too scared to imagine a family, because that is what we did this time and it makes it so much harder.
I imagined all the lost sleep we would have, the nappies and the spewing. I voiced my fear over being left alone with a newborn when John returned to work. I planned who could babysit for upcoming social events we wanted to attend. All plans involved us actually having a baby, and now we don't. And I have no idea what we are supposed to do, how we can be expected to face the daily grind and the social events with empty arms and an empty cot. As well as our broken hearts. I read my post yesterday, I have written it like a story. I think because that is what it feels like, a story that is happening to another couple and not us. But our story is not unique, I have been reading other blogs and forums about babyloss and there are so many like us out there suffering the same misery. It's truly heartbreaking and I feel a warmth towards these people not even having met them.
We had to buy Lucy a new outfit today, as the baby grow we dressed her in has metal press studs and they are not allowed for the cremation. We chose a pink, girly outfit. I also picked a pink blanket to wrap her in and a teddy bear to put in with her. We bought an identical bear for us to keep, it will be Lucy's bear and has the year on his foot.
We decided to come home today. I am not sure John was ready, he has been teary since we got in and has now taken to fussing and doing things to keep busy. I feel strange being here, we've been away forever it seems. But I am glad to be in familiar surroundings. We had lots of cards waiting for us, everyone had written very lovely messages. People have been so kind to us, it is really comforting. But at the same time I can't understand why I had to be the 'lady that lost her baby'? I feel I will forever carry this tag around my neck. My thoughts are busy with Lucy and if we will ever have another baby. I want another little girl. Not to replace Lucy, but because I feel cheated out of things I could have done with her. I wanted a little girl so much. I already know what I will call her, if fate decides to send me another pink bump. Her name will be Hope.


  1. Amy,

    I am so very sorry that you lost your precious little Lucy. It breaks my heart everytime I find a new bereaved mom.

    The thought you are feeling about your husband....

    We have a 6 year old son & we just lost our daughter May 14th. My mind always wanders to "If he would've married someone else he probably wouldn't of had to go through this. He never would've had to hold his child cold & lifeless & he never would've had to see his baby girl in her coffin."

    I relate so much to what you are saying. As women I think that we tend to think that way. I know that if we told our husbands our thoughts they would think we were crazy for thinking that. I know they would think we were crazy.

    Again, my sympathies to you and your family.

  2. You're not alone in these thoughts. I think we all feel like there's no way we will ever bring home a live baby. But if you read enough of these blogs you'll find that many mommies have had their rainbow baby. I'm sure hoping to have mine some day. And I often feel guilty for wanting another girl seeing as how I should just wish for a live baby, but I feel like you that I wanted a girl so badly and I've been cheated. I'm so sorry you lost Lucy.