I am so addicted to reading blogs. Every story breaks my heart. I am shocked and distressed by the sadness and tragedy that stalks our world. But I am comforted from the support shown from other women and families in this community, and the knowledge that I am not on my own - the support available is amazing.
I was thinking this morning about how my posts so far have been so bleak and negative. I seem to only type into this keyboard when I am feeling low, cranky, and sad and my posts become an massive outpouring of anger and sadness. Because I guess that is generally how I feel a lot of the time, even if I am not showing it outwardly, all of those sad thoughts are churning up behind my eyes.
But I am not always like that. I am not always this miserable, moaning, heartbroken soul. This has not always been me. There are moments every day when a little bit of me, the 'old' me, shines through. And maybe that little bit is even more improved than before because I have known the joy of carrying a child in your belly, the achievement you feel when you have birthed your child into the world, the unconditional love you feel when you look at the beautiful baby that the love between you and your partner has created.
Today (I wrote this on Mon 12th) has been a good day in so many small ways and I just wanted to document the good things - even though I have so much to feel sad about, there is also a lot to feel glad about.
We took the dog for a walk, it was glowing sunshine. The colours were amazing; the leaves, sky, trees, fields. The dog made us laugh chasing after the squirrels (he really believes he will catch one someday). I want a family so much, I miss my baby girl but I also don't want to be blindsided by this desire and not be thankful I have such a loving, supportive Husband. We two (and the dog) were very happy before our decision to have a family. I want to add to the numbers (and then some!) but I don't want to forget it was just us that started this journey, our love for each other.
Through this horrific experience I have been touched by people across the miles that I would never have had the chance to meet, or have had their support and love. They have been sharing their support, love and wisdom with me even though they have never met me. Kindness that really amazes me, and makes me question how I present myself to the world. I need to do more RAOK. Chicken soup for the soul and all that.
Our existing family and friends have been amazing. There are a few amongst those that have been outstanding. One lady - who is 20 years my Senior - has been wonderful. We have been best friends since we met at work. She is funny, compassionate, spirted and kind hearted. I see her as a Sister, best friend and a second Mother. She is not afraid to tell me when she thinks I am wrong, she is my confidante and I can swear and shout in front of her until I am blue in the face. A 'mother hen' figure, I don't know of anyone that has met her and not warmed to her. Yet in another of Mother Nature's cruelest blows, she is unable to have children. I have never met a woman more suited to being a mother, more capable, more maternal, and she can't have children. So there is this amazing lady with so much love, who wants a child so much, and cannot have them. Even before this happened this mystery baffled me entirely, why can't she have her hearts desire when there are cretins popping them out left, right and centre? Her and her partner have been mine and Johns rocks throughout all this. Step up to the plate? They've stepped up, smashed it and bought us another. They have been invaluable and have proved what fantastic human beings they are. Maybe one day we can repay them and be there the way they have for us, I hope so. They are special people, not only because they were some of the priviliged few to have actually met Lucy, but because of how they have helped us, supported us, loved us. So I am thankful indeed that I have them in my life.
I lit a candle yesterday and I thought about Lucy. And then I thought about all the other Mothers making the same gesture for their little ones all over the world. There are so many of us. Too many of us, but I'm not covering new ground with this observation. There were 'Baby loss' Mothers before me, there are BL Mothers walking the path beside me, and there will be Baby Loss Mothers walking this sad, devastating path behind me. I want so much to sew up this big, gaping wound that fills that joyful expectant Mum-to-be sky. I wish I could stitch it and no one would ever have to feel this awful pain again. But I can't stop this pain. That really pisses me off.