Thursday, 24 February 2011

Confused state

A jumbled post, so bear with me. My brain is tired from sleep deprivation.

It is hard to carry on life without Lucy. 

I can no longer say "I lost a little girl last year", as time has relentlessly marched on. It takes me further away from my little sleeping beauty. Some days I almost wish I was back in the aftermath when my memories were not hazy, and the house was filled with flowers and cards and it was 'OK' to talk about her non stop.  I am amazed that I made it this far. A friends status made me think, she is also a BM and I'm not sure whether this was her own sentiment or just one she had read and admired but to loosely quote, it said "You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end". 

I have recently left some of the pregnancy loss boards that I was a member of after she died. I just feel I don't belong there any more, now I have Georgia. They are full of women at a different stage of this journey and I am not sure I was helping them by being there. I am also not sure it was helping me. I am torn between wanting to live in the past so that I am close to Lucy, or moving on with her in my heart. I know it will end up being the latter, as it is expected of me. I expect it of myself. And yet I can't let go at the minute. I find myself wanting to pore over my blog posts from when I lost her, I want to look at her pictures endlessly.  I regret not seeing her again in the hospital chapel. I regret not taking more pictures. 
Some days I want to be pregnant again. In fact some days I ache to be pregnant again, almost as though being pregnant and 'doing it right' this time will heal my heart. I know in my head it won't, I know a million babies won't bring Lucy back, won't undo what is forever written in my history. I think a lot about what Lucy would have been like. And I just feel sad that she lived such a short life. People often speak of feeling the presence of their loved ones, they find hope in butterflies, feathers, birds. I feel sad a lot as I don't have this with Lucy. I am always waiting, hoping, looking for a sign from her that she is OK, and watching over us. But I just don't feel anything, and believe me I have tried so many times to find some tiny signal from her that she is near.

I truly feel alone. I think she has gone forever.


  1. That just brought me to tears. A lot of what you said are the same things that go on in my head everyday. I hope one day you will get a sign from her as I to hope to also get a sign from little guy.

  2. You certainly aren't alone... she will always be your sleeping beauty and the memory in your heart is the most precious one. I also wish that I'd taken more photos and other regrets... but our angel's memories will live on forever and signs will come in different ways xoxo

  3. Amy, I've had all of these thoughts and feelings, you are not alone, I promise.x

  4. Sweetie you are never alone, your little sweet Lucy is always with you in your heart and while you think about her, talk about her and remember her she is never gone. It's the only thing that keeps me going with Zach. I don't really get signs with Zach either. I always wanted them, felt almost left out not getting any... as weird as that sounds, but then I thought of it another way, and it is just another way, maybe my Zach doesn't need to send me any signs, because he knows that we think about him all the time and he is ok. Maybe Lucy feels that way too? I dont know obviously but I have to think that for my boy to keep me going. You are an amazing mummy sweetie. Miss G is truly blessed to have such fantastic parents. Love you lots and lots. And dont apologise for writing what you feel, this new stage of grief is complex.