Today I am happy

I am 10+4 today. I have listened to babys heartbeat twice with my doppler, just briefly, but it was enough to soothe my anxious soul.
I have seen my consultant and discussed my care plan for this baby. Scans every 4 weeks from 20 weeks and induction or section at 35 weeks, so baby will be in special care for a little while. That scares me, but we will deal with that when and if we make it that far. I also took the plunge and booked a gender scan for 16 weeks. I want to know what the sex is this time for a number of reasons. I am looking forward to it very much. As time progresses I am getting a little more excited. I dare to hope. I dare to dream. I have been into the nursery and tidied the life junk away that we had allowed to clutter it over the last few months. It now looks like a nursery again. I might put some pictures on here, I love our nursery. I hope Lucy and Rainbow bean love it too. I sat in the rocking chair and looked at the cot, bouncer, cot mobile, the pram still unsued in the box. And of course I cried and cried. The thing with a new pregnancy is it opens up those wounds that have only superficially healed like a knife. I cry a lot for Lucy at the moment, I guess it is hormones and the horror of what happened 7 months ago. There is an advert on the TV  for John Lewis, a department store. It shows the progress from a tiny baby girl all the way through her life to a retired lady at the end. It is a very nicely shot advert, and it moves me to tears every time I watch it. I just think of Lucy and all of the dreams I had for her that will never be realised. John just looks at me bemused as I sniffle into my sleeve. I love the music that goes with it too, I am a big fan of The Guillemots and the lead singer covers a Billy Joel song on the advert, it is beautiful.
I haven't been commenting on many blogs of late and for that I apologise, I am afraid the tiredness claims me every evening after work and I am unable to write. I do still read new posts though, and I hope to rectify my poor commenting in the next few weeks if I make it to Second trimester and hopefully start to feel a bit more lively again.


 I hear babys heart beating away and my soul is glad. Today I feel so happy, and I love my babies so much.