Monday, 3 May 2010

Today I am happy

I am 10+4 today. I have listened to babys heartbeat twice with my doppler, just briefly, but it was enough to soothe my anxious soul.
I have seen my consultant and discussed my care plan for this baby. Scans every 4 weeks from 20 weeks and induction or section at 35 weeks, so baby will be in special care for a little while. That scares me, but we will deal with that when and if we make it that far. I also took the plunge and booked a gender scan for 16 weeks. I want to know what the sex is this time for a number of reasons. I am looking forward to it very much. As time progresses I am getting a little more excited. I dare to hope. I dare to dream. I have been into the nursery and tidied the life junk away that we had allowed to clutter it over the last few months. It now looks like a nursery again. I might put some pictures on here, I love our nursery. I hope Lucy and Rainbow bean love it too. I sat in the rocking chair and looked at the cot, bouncer, cot mobile, the pram still unsued in the box. And of course I cried and cried. The thing with a new pregnancy is it opens up those wounds that have only superficially healed like a knife. I cry a lot for Lucy at the moment, I guess it is hormones and the horror of what happened 7 months ago. There is an advert on the TV  for John Lewis, a department store. It shows the progress from a tiny baby girl all the way through her life to a retired lady at the end. It is a very nicely shot advert, and it moves me to tears every time I watch it. I just think of Lucy and all of the dreams I had for her that will never be realised. John just looks at me bemused as I sniffle into my sleeve. I love the music that goes with it too, I am a big fan of The Guillemots and the lead singer covers a Billy Joel song on the advert, it is beautiful.
I haven't been commenting on many blogs of late and for that I apologise, I am afraid the tiredness claims me every evening after work and I am unable to write. I do still read new posts though, and I hope to rectify my poor commenting in the next few weeks if I make it to Second trimester and hopefully start to feel a bit more lively again.

 I hear babys heart beating away and my soul is glad. Today I feel so happy, and I love my babies so much.


  1. It warms me to the very middle of my soul to hear that you are happy Amy .... so much love to you all... I want this so badly for you..... rainbow bean is doing well and that is the best news I have had today :D YAY !!!! Love you lots lady

  2. :)

    I love that swoosh-swooshing sound, and I'm so happy that your soul is glad today. Thinking of you and Lucy and your Rainbow.

  3. I am so happy for you!!! I know it's hard to be excited knowing all that could go wrong, but I'm happy you're happy today. We have to try to enjoy it in those small moments that we allow ourselves.

  4. Thank you - your smiling makes me smile. :)

  5. So glad you heard that precious heartbeat, and in the comfort of your own home. I'd have gone nuts without my doppler.
    Just a question though, and no judgement here just curious, why 35 weeks?
    Love to you and remembering Lucy.

  6. That sound of the HB is so soothing to hear.