Sunday, 31 October 2010

Honestly? It's hard.

Here is our little rainbow, Georgia May. Born by elective C section, 21st Otocber 2010 at 12.14pm weighing 4lb 14oz:

It goes without saying that I love her fiercely. She is precious. When I am feeling more 'with it' I will write her birth story, sadly (except the outcome) not a positive experience - I am not a big fan of C sections I have discovered.
At the minute I am lost in a exhausted haze. This is so hard, so much harder than I imagined it. I spent so long on worrying about her getting here I never really thought or planned for when she was here.
Her being so tiny and slightly premature has been a worry, but she's been a little star and was able to stay on the ward with me, rather than going to special care. I naively thought when she was here my stress and worry would dissipate, however my heightened sense of anxiety has simply transferred from bump to this little delicate person now in my care. Is she breathing? Does she sound snuffly? Has her jaundice gotten worse? Just check, is she breathing? Why is she choking? Why is she so sleepy? Does she seem jittery to you? Do you think her blood sugar is low? Is she getting enough food do you think?
At the minute I am trying to breastfeed, which I am finding hard work. I think I have said every day so far that I am going to quit. She only feeds for 5-10 minutes on one breast each feed, sometimes I am having to wake her every 3 hours because she is sleeping through feeds, other times she is waking herself every hour. I am constantly worried she isn't getting enough to thrive. I can hardly eat, I feel so anxious all the time. I feel guilty for bringing her so early, maybe we could have just pushed on for one more week? I seem to have baby blues, I cry lots. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I can't cope, I can't handle the worry and the responsibility. I feel there is danger everywhere. Above all there is this guilt, after all I finally have what I have wanted for 3 long years and yet I'm not enjoying it, not one bit. Don't get me wrong, I look at her sleepy face and kiss her soft skin and my heart melts. I love her with every bone and sinew in my body. But this makes my anxiety uncontrollable, I worry like every other first time mother but times a thousand. I feel that I cannot rest, I have to protect her at all times. Sleep deprivation makes me irrational, but even when I have stolen a few hours I wake up just as worried. And reading this back I sound like a crazy woman! I really do! I sound ungrateful and I'm really not. I am thankful I have been blessed with her, holding her little warm body in my arms, holding her to my breast as she feeds - they are the most blessed and contented feelings I have ever experienced. But I can't help but feel sad. I look at her sometimes and she looks so much like her sister. And I can't help but wonder about what sort of mother I would have been to Lucy. Before my trust in the world was shattered, and my heart and mind embittered and exposed to the reality that bad things happen to people you love. I want to be that mother, not this crazy, fraught human being I see now in the mirror. I am sure I would have worried, but not to this extent. Now I know bad things happen and they are all I can see. My mind races with what terrible thing can happen next, to claim this fragile little creature in my arms. I am hoping that with time and confidence I will start to relax and enjoy her a little more. Until then I will just keep muddling through, trying to do my best. But it sure is hard.


  1. Georgia May is beautiful!
    I'm sat here with tears in my eyes, I want to give you a big big hug and tell you everything you are feeling is normal.
    Ernest is my sixth baby, and my rainbow baby, and I felt exactly as you describe, and though it's less intense I still do 15 weeks on.
    All new Mums feel this way, but for those of us who have lost I do think it's much more intense.
    Don't forget (as if you could) you are still grieving, and all those extra crazy hormones don't help either.
    Try to be gentle with yourself.
    I don't want to patronise you and tell you to get help with the breastfeeding, but it does sound like maybe you need some extra reassurance there.
    It's hard, but you'll get through. I hope you have people mothering you right now, because that's what you need. x

  2. Oh Amy, Georgia is gorgeous. Congratulations mama and what a fantastic name you've chosen for her...I have a Georgia Leigh. I can totally relate to those feelings of anxiety, the guilt over finally having what you've so desperately wanted for so long and then being so afraid you can't enjoy it completely. True enough, your hormone levels are dropping now that you've given birth but please, be self aware. I left my feelings of anxiety for ten months thinking that my child didn't need a mother on medication but as it turned out, my anxiety became a severe case of PPD with OCD. It's hard to let go of the fear but if it starts to interfere with your daily life and prevents you from enjoying your new motherhood, please see someone and get some help. You deserve this happiness and you are so very, very blessed. Sending you much love....

  3. She is absolutely beautiful! I'm sorry it's been difficult for you. The worry really doesn't stop for them once they are here. I know I often check on my little one's breathing.

  4. Amy, Georgia is gorgeous! The feelings you are having are completely rational. I often wonder myself how I will react if/when I have a living baby. I wonder if i am going to be one of THOSE moms that want to keep their baby in a bubble till they are 18 yrs old!! LOL....the new "bubble boy/girl". I hope that you are eventually able to relax, and CONGRATS!!!! i was wondering how everything has been for the past few months.

  5. Just adding my congratulations as I can now comment again. Absolutely beautiful, mama and daughter! It is hard, I know that I was very anxious about my surviving twin and couldn't stop fussing or relax for quite some time. I hope that those feelings have eased a little for you now.