Saturday, 12 March 2011

Mind block

So my last few posts were a joy to read. I have been going through a strange old time, with the resurfacing of feelings that I thought had been put to bed. I am still angry with the world. I see a lot of suffering in the world. Suffering I was not aware of before. When I walk down the street now I wonder about the stories behind the faces. I often think it would be good if people that have suffered a babyloss had a little icon above their heads, like in The Sims. So then I would know who I could approach and share my grief with without scaring them off. Because they would understand, and I could not feel bad about talking to them and seeing the look of horror on someone's face when I tell them I gave birth to a dead baby.

But it's not all bad. I am very lucky, I have Georgia. I am lucky that I have battled through that horrific time after the loss, through TTC again and then through the rainbow pregnancy. And Georgia is here in my arms.  I have dwelled a lot on the dark things, the sad things. A lot of my time has been taken up with such things over the last 18 months. I think and talk a lot about my dead daughter, who slipped away before we even got to know her. But I neglect to talk about my rainbow, who is here in my arms and bringing joy to me the way I had always hoped.

It hasn't been easy, she was a difficult baby to say the least. Not through any fault of her own but it was the cursed reflux that meant we had many sleepless nights, and harrowing days where she cried inconsolably. It is distressing to see your baby in pain and be powerless to help them. But with the help of the right combo of meds, and I think just time, she seems to finally be on the up. We are coming out of the dark clouds, albeit with a few bad habits (we are still feeding to sleep and co-sleeping, it's very difficult to break the cycle!).
She is wonderful, and I love her so much. She is giggling and smiling and growing every day from a helpless newborn into a little girl with a personality all of her own. At one point I really doubted I would ever get to be a mum, so everything she does is beautiful to me. When she meets my gaze and smiles it is the most golden feeling. Being a mum is a lot harder than I thought it would be. There is a lot to think about, a lot of worry and responsibility. As everyone does, I want her to grow up to be a well rounded individual. I want her to be able to play video games and be good at sports, but to also be artistic and academic. I want her to love Disney and princesses, but also be interested in cars and be the worlds first Formula one female driver. Just the usual stuff everyone wants for their baby.

To be honest, I am stuck at the minute for things to write about. I have thought about making a new blog, all about Georgia, but it doesn't seem right. I feel that I would be abandoning Lucy. But I feel I have lost my voice at the minute. Writers block, if you can call the endless ramblings of my thoughts writing. The pain is no longer so raw and the words don't come so easily. The mundane things that my life involves don't seem enough to write about on here. I am not an interesting enough person, I don't bake, sew, or abseil down buildings. I just enjoy being a family, walking the dog, eating good food, dieting, drinking, cuddling Georgia, arguing with John, playing board games, watching crap TV. I have lost my Blogging Mojo.

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