Kicks and baby steps

Been a little while since I last blogged! I guess I haven't had a lot to say. Well that isn't strictly true, I have a lot to say but it's mainly the same things over and over again. How happy I am to be pregnant again. How scared I am of losing another child. How much I miss Lucy. How confused I am about this pregnancy.

Things have been busy here, I'm trying to make the time pass quickly. We had our SANDS launch even, it went really well and raised over £2000 for the local group. I was very proud to be part of that.

Other news, hmm I am 21+ 5 today so have 14 weeks and 1 day until I hopefully meet my baby girl. That sounds like a long time, it seems to have taken forever to get here but here I am. A long way to go it feels, lots of things that could happen between now and then. I am just having to blindly stumble on and hope it's going in the right direction. Baby is kicking now, but my placenta is anterior so I don't feel as many kicks as I did with Lucy at this stage. I go through regular cycles of being concerned baby is not kicking, to feeling her kick and being happy, to then going to the other extreme of panic that she is in distress and kicking me to let me know. This part was always going to be hard, mainly because I know exactly when Lucy died -I know those 'hiccups' I felt were her struggling inside me, and they got weaker and weaker. And I didn't feel her again after that. So with that horrific thought in my mind the movement part is a scary thing for me. I love it, but it terrifies me. I am scared my baby will try and tell me she is dying and I will not act swiftly enough.
It won't come to that this time. Surely not. I can't lose another, can I? I try and be positive, as hard as it is.

Lucy is always close to my thoughts. I try and imagine what she'd be like, what she'd be doing now, but I find it impossible. I simply cannot picture how she would be as a chubby toddler, as a little girl. I just see her how she was when we first held her. Even though it was only ten months ago it seems like a lifetime ago. Was that me? Did I really go through that? Was I that pale, sobbing girl in the pictures? Is it time to 'let go' of that pregnancy with Lucy and start living this one? I don't know. I can't erase what had happened, it is always with me. I am forever changed. I feel foolish getting excited. I can't think past October. I make no plans in my head with baby, I don't imagine pushing my pram, or changing nappies. I am still planning holidays that 'just the 2 of us' can go on next year. Just in case. It's not even that I think i will jinx it, it's just what is the point in getting my hopes up? My hopes were soaring this time last year and nature dragged me back to earth and smashed me over the head with her cruel blows. So I just can't muster anything other than cynicism. That isn't to say I'm not happy though - I am overjoyed to be given another opportunity. I'm just doubtful anything will come of it. Pregnancies for me don't = babies. But then our little Miss will give me a wriggle and a kick, and I will smile and stroke my belly and share our secret moment the way I did with her Sister. And I have just that little glimmer of hope. And I say to myself, "It will happen this time. You will be a Mummy". And for just that moment, I believe the hype.

So here is me at 18 weeks, and 20 weeks: