Another day is here. I am 7 weeks today.
My scan went OK on Thursday, we have a sac, yolk and small crustacean shaped human being with a beating heart.
As I was waiting in the day room to be seen (amongst four or five heavily pregnant women) I dissolved into tears and sobs. Scans bring no joy for me, I have no excited anticipation, just a feeling of impending doom that I can only compare to how Anne Boleyn felt on the morning of her execution. The unavoidable is apparoaching.
The fabulous Sister at the EPU scanned me straight away when she saw the state I was in, and for a brief moment I was content in that dark room watching my babies heart flickering.
But the anxiety and dark thoughts are never far away, as we left the hospital I began to worry about another MMC as with the one I had before Lucy the baby stopped growing about now but wasn't found until a couple of weeks later. And to compound that worry, I am still having browny discharge. It is enough to spot onto my panty liner and is on the toilet tissue after peeing. There is not loads of it, but there is enough of it to be a concern. I am also having back pain on and off, so I am in a constant state of fear.
I did have the same with Lucy from about 6 weeks through to about 9 weeks, so I am trying to tell myself that it is nothing to concern myself with. But my advice falls on deaf and ignorant ears, of course I am worried. I wish for this to be a normal, boring pregnancy that millions of women seem to achieve every year. I am waiting to hear from the hospital regarding my consultant care plan starting. I may phone the EPU again on Monday. Time is passing, albeit very slowly for me.
I haven't been to the doctor but I am about 4 weeks and I've had a small amount of bleeding as well. I too try to remind myself that I had this type of bleeding with Mackenzie. There's really no comfort for those of us who know what could go wrong. The days are so long. Praying for boring pregnancies for both of us! <3
ReplyDeleteOh Amy it is hard - it just is. Take comfort where you can find it. Something that gives you peace today may not tomorrow, but try, if you can, to take comfort in those little windows of hope when you find them.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone Amy. Many have traveled similar paths before you. We know that our journeys were difficult, sometimes perilous, sometimes agonizing, sometimes joyful. We imagine yours will be the same. We believe you can make it to the other side - one step at a time.
Peace.
I understand your worry. You just want so much for your baby to be ok. Losing a child already brings a lot of fear b/c you don't want it to happen again. Hoping for a normal and boring pregnancy for you!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking of you and praying (yes, praying - not something I'm accustomed to!) that everything is fine. I want so much for you to be holding your sweet, wriggling baby in your arms 33-ish weeks from now. <3
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