Functioning

What do I write about? Dare I let myself hope that the little pip in my belly will become a full blown rainbow babe? Do I throw caution to the wind and gush about how happy I am? Talk about the happy trips we will make as a family of three? Look at little onesies with cute animals on and throw nappies into the shopping trolley so we are stocked up?

No of course I don't. I am in that limbo land that all Babyloss Mamas must find theselves in once they see that positive test again.

I am living in a semi permanent state of fear. Every wipe of the toilet roll is inspected for the mereest hint of blood. Every twinge analysed, every pain googled. I have no peace. I have no reason to think this will turn out well, just as I have no reason to think it won't.
Everyone I have told has that cheerful optimism of someone who hasn't lost a baby. "I have a good feeling about this one". "This pregnancy will be fine, don't you worry".
I have found myself making strange bargains with the universe, like if I can cross the road before the lights change then my baby will be born alive. Then I cry if the lights change whilst I am still crossing, then I get annoyed because I know rationally a set of traffic lights have no bearing on whether this pip will make it to term and be born alive.
I think the most killing thing is the uncertainty. The not knowing if I will be back in hospital next week for another ERPC or if I will be reading this back in a years time with a milky smelling babe asleep in my arms. How I hope and pray it is the latter one.

Tomorrow I go back for the second of repeat blood tests. This is to give me more of an idea if the pregnancy is viable. The Sister will call me tomorrow afternoon with the verdict.

I am counting down the days until my scan. I have played every scenario out in  my head. Mainly the 'no heartbeat' scenario. I am steeling myself for bad news.
Time seems to be going slowly, the days drag past. Every now and then I let myself dream for a second and imagine a little further than next Thursday, imagine getting to feel a baby kick and tumble around inside me again.

Today I am 5+3. I hope you are OK in there Rainbow Babe. I hope Lucy will look down on you and keep you safe. I hope that this is our time. I hope so much I get to hold you in 8 months.