So after all my good intentions and promises and mantras I have woken up this morning and feel like all of the positivity has been sucked out of me.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's hormones, maybe it's just the phase of the moon. Who knows. I just feel that we will not have done it this cycle and I am just tired of trying to conceive again. This is just not how life should be. This is not how I want my life to be.
This post made me think today. Lately I have been feeling very, very jealous of my friend and her new baby. It's not a good emotion. I feel bitter that it's been so hard for us and so easy for her. We struggle for 2 years and lose three babies. She has aborted 2 previous 'unplanned' pregnancies, decides on a whim (in the middle of an argument with her boyfriend) to have a baby and is pregnant within 2 months, a year later she has a new baby, a new home (paid for by his parents). Everything I wanted and thought I would have. She text me the other day to ask how I was. She asked my opinion on something her baby was doing. But like Ashley said, what advice can I offer? I have never had a baby to bring up. I can't give her advice because I have no idea.
How do I move past this terrible negativity I have towards her? I just can't get past the unfairness of it all. Why has it been so easy for her? Why has it been so hard for us? How can I stop this horrible envy that is eating away at our friendship? I can barely bring myself to speak to her. She doesn't have the right words to say. She never even bothered to come to Lucy's funeral. She complains constantly about her baby not sleeping. When I told her how down I was feeling about TTC she texted to say "I know, I felt like that. I know how long the months can be and it's literally all you can think about". What?!? WTF?!? How can she even pretend to know what it's like? She decided at Christmas she wanted a baby and was pregnant by the February! Why does she not understand that her situation and my situation are worlds apart?
God I sound like a total bitch. I hate feeling this way towards her. But I hate that she just doesn't GET it. I'm not sure our friendship can recover from this. I am a terrible friend. I can't even feel happy for my friends anymore.
Well goodness... you summed it up for me too. I have a friend that has a house, 2 healthy babies.. and she's just plain pissing me off. I know that's mean to say, but it's true. She always complains about her kids to me, it makes me furious. She never says the right things to me, and she always says, "i know how you feel." I wish I could tell you how to feel better towards her, but I'm struggling similar emotions right now. I'm not quite sure if time is going to heal my friend and I, or if I'm realizing that she really isn't who I thought she was. Why isn't she trying harder to understand? I don't know. I hate this feeling of jealousy towards others, I'm not normally like this! I'm sorry I'm not being very helpful. :o/
ReplyDeleteOn the plus side, I wrote Lucy's name in the snow today for you! My e mail is scubaloo4@yahoo.com E mail me and I'll send you the pic!
*hugs*
I am going to give you a big squeezy hug tomorrow mrs and it wont make anything better but it will make me feel like i can "do" something even if it's small...... your not feeling anything that any of us babyloss mamas haven't felt at some time - well i know i certainly have anyway !!! I get jealous constantly, especially with people that can just "pop" em out left right and centre... your not a bad friend at all you have to be honest otherwise all this hurt and stuff lingers inside.... i wish i had a magic wand to make all of this better and all of this ttc stuff go away and we all have lovely healthy bubas... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteI think it's completely normal to feel the way you are for your friend. She doesn't understand and TTC for 2 months is not a hard road. I think she's trying but failing. And she didn't come to Lucy's funeral? Why not? She should've been there.
ReplyDeletei think it's completely normal too. gahhh! some people just DON'T GET IT. it's not that they don't care, they just don't have the capacity to understand (and by that i am not insulting their intelligence, but lack of similar experience, lol). it's in no way close to what you have been through. at some point, you might want to explain to her. it took me a while to figure out that you have to teach the people around you how to treat you because most of them have never been in this situation before. they don't know what you're going through and how to react. i just hate telling people, hey, that makes me feel like shit asshole! that was a really dumb thing to say to me.... blah blah. but it works!
ReplyDeletetwo of my friends got pregnant this winter and i am dying. i just don't know what to do. i know it's not the same as you and John, but i feel like all of my options are irresponsible and it makes me feel hopeless and defeated. :(
i wish you lived close so we could grab a drink (and maybe a sombrero) together while we're both still not preggo!