It has been a long, long time since I last blogged. I think if I am honest I have completely exhausted all my sadness. Or maybe it is that I am completely exhausted these days? By the time I have finished at work, prepared for the next day, done bedtime, made tea, washed up and sat down it is normally about 9 and then my eyelids are drooping and I can't really think rationally other than to flit about on Facebook and write perhaps a frothy status update to keep everyone happy.
In England the Summer is bowing out and the low sun beamed days of Autumn are slipping in. It will be two years this month since I bore my little Lucy so silently into the world. More and more these days she is becoming a distant memory, a dusty photo on the mantle piece. Less and less I look at her pictures. This isn't to say I am forgetting her, I think of her every day. In fact her presence in my mind makes me so more emotional and I feel more empathy towards others. Where before I could not picture or imagine a tangible grief other than "That's sad", I now find stories on the news, or read, or told by friends move me to tears. And not just a silent trickle but more often a heavy sobbing as I feel the heaviness inside their heart.
I feel I keep a tight lid on my emotions relating to her these days but then I will hear such awful stories, as the ones I am hearing at the minute on the anniversary of 9/11, and it opens Pandoras box - a torrent of grief pours out for me, for Lucy, for all of you who have experienced loss, grief, pain, death. I continue to miss what she would have been, what her personality would have been like. If I am honest I am constantly tormented about her death, she was so helpless, how can she have faced the enormity of death on her own without me to protect her? If I let these thoughts take hold like they threaten to then I would be a dysfunctional mess. Georgia keeps me sane, the gorgeous monotony of every day living keeps me sane, and keeping that lid tightly shut keeps me sane. I seem 'over it'. But my God I am so far from that. I feel like this is the only place I can be honest these days as people get 'worried' if I ever dare to show these continuing feelings in public. I think I may write more as the anniversary approaches as for some reason I feel more sad about this second one. I don't know why. And to finish my brief post, a song by one of my fave artists just currently making his rise to fame. The lyrics are beautiful and are about his friend that lost her baby at five months. I think we can all relate to the promises and unspoken sadness in the music.
Small Bump - Ed Sheeran
You were just a small bump, unborn for four months, then brought to life.
You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your Mother's eyes,
Oh I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can,
But for now you're a scan of my unmade plans,
A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes...
And I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth.
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you...
'Cause you are my one and only,
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb, and hold me tight.
Oh you are my one and only, you can wrap your fingers round my thumb,
And hold me tight, and you'll be alright.
Oh you're just a small bump, unknown, you’ll grow into your skin,
With a smile like hers, and a dimple beneath your chin,
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide,
A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes...
I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth.
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you...
'Cause you are my one and only,
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb, and hold me tight.
Oh you are my one and only,
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb, and hold me tight,
And you'll be alright.
And you can lie with me - with your tiny feet - when you're half asleep, I'll leave you be,
Right in front of me, for a couple weeks,
So I can keep you safe....
'Cause you are my one and only,
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb, and hold me tight.
Oh you are my one and only,
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright...
'Cause you were just a small bump, unborn for four months, then torn from Life.And maybe you were needed up there, but we're still unaware as why...
