I am like a walking encyclopedia of ways a baby can die before birth. I find danger in every week of pregnancy, something to be fearful of, something I am convinced may happen to me.
I have been told that lightning doesn't strike twice, I am assured that "it will be OK this time". Except I know that there are lots of chances that it won't be. And I know lightning can and will strike again, right into the already shattered hearts of grieving parents. But if I want to be a mother then this is something I must go through, and the risks I must take each time.
I am frightened of losing this baby, I hate the utter helplessness I feel - there is nothing I can do to alter the course this pregnancy will take. I am scared by my consultants decision to deliver at 35 weeks, scared because my poor little baby will not be quite ready, so I am worried about complications. And scared as he was so adament that I could not go past this gestation that it makes me realise he seriously thinks that the same problem with the placenta could reoccur, and so it could fail at any time towards the end of my pregnancy. And there is nothing I can do to help, no pill I can take to make my placenta work or grow properly. So I am all the time wondering if I have this ticking timb bomb, if the thing that is supposed to nourish and support my baby will end up being the villain of the piece again.
In two weeks time I will know what I am having, pink or blue. People ask me what I would like and of course the initial, honest answer is a baby that is alive, irrespective of sex. But then deep down, deep, deep down in my psyche I of course am longing for a girl. Because I should have a pink bundle in my arms already, a bonny 8 month old who would maybe be crawling and happily babbling away, enchanted by her own voice.
But then I think that perhaps a blue bundle would enable me to seperate the 2 pregnancies in my mind a little more, treat this baby as the second child. It's not that I am not thinking like that already, but sometimes the edges are blurred and I wonder if I am imagining Lucy is coming back to me. It is hard to explain. I have only known the pregnancy with Lucy and so it is hard to imagine another little person - their own entity with their own personality, growing inside me.
Feelings of the week are: sad, scared and apprehensive. I can't stop thinking about what we lost. I can't stop wondering about the whys and hows and just being utterly disbelieving that I have already in effect buried a child. A child I never even got to know other than her personality whilst I carried her. My heart aches so much when I think back to the scan at 20 weeks, the sonographer got a perfect view of her face and although it wasn't a 3D scan it was as close as, and for a while we watched Lucy yawn and root and stick her tongue out. The one and only time I actually saw my little girls face alive and moving. It captivated us at the time and now it is a very treasured memory, but so, so tinged with sadness. My beautiful little girl, why were you with us for such a short time?
I don't want to be an 'angel' mummy, I don't want this heavy heart. I want the confidence I had when I carried you, the concrete belief that I would hold you in my arms and spend a wonderful Christmas together. I want that feeling for this baby, instead of the dread each day brings.
Sunday 30 May 2010
Monday 24 May 2010
Second trimester
Hmm well here I am in the Second Trimester. I like typing those words as there have been many paranoid moments where I didn't think I'd get here.
I have been away from the blogging world for a little bit, life just gets in the way sometimes. Today I announced Rainbows existence on Facebook. I debated putting it on there, but in the end my excitedness won out. To be honest most people that are close to me already know, and even those that don't have guessed by my already protruding stomach.
Too many sausage rolls and crisps I'll wager, but it is looking more bumpy these days.
Only 3 weeks until our private gender scan, I am very excited about it now and feel like a kid before Christmas. I haven't bought anything and am not sure that I will, I feel that I will always just play at 'pregnancy' and never actually graduate to 'Mummy' status. It's strange.
I am enjoying being pregnant again although it feels surreal. I like the second trimester, I loved it with Lucy. So much happens, baby's first movements, the 20 week scan, baby's first kicks. So it's a nice time for me at the minute, a time to be enjoyed. I am just hoping things keep going well.
I have been away from the blogging world for a little bit, life just gets in the way sometimes. Today I announced Rainbows existence on Facebook. I debated putting it on there, but in the end my excitedness won out. To be honest most people that are close to me already know, and even those that don't have guessed by my already protruding stomach.
Only 3 weeks until our private gender scan, I am very excited about it now and feel like a kid before Christmas. I haven't bought anything and am not sure that I will, I feel that I will always just play at 'pregnancy' and never actually graduate to 'Mummy' status. It's strange.
I am enjoying being pregnant again although it feels surreal. I like the second trimester, I loved it with Lucy. So much happens, baby's first movements, the 20 week scan, baby's first kicks. So it's a nice time for me at the minute, a time to be enjoyed. I am just hoping things keep going well.
Monday 3 May 2010
Today I am happy
I am 10+4 today. I have listened to babys heartbeat twice with my doppler, just briefly, but it was enough to soothe my anxious soul.
I have seen my consultant and discussed my care plan for this baby. Scans every 4 weeks from 20 weeks and induction or section at 35 weeks, so baby will be in special care for a little while. That scares me, but we will deal with that when and if we make it that far. I also took the plunge and booked a gender scan for 16 weeks. I want to know what the sex is this time for a number of reasons. I am looking forward to it very much. As time progresses I am getting a little more excited. I dare to hope. I dare to dream. I have been into the nursery and tidied the life junk away that we had allowed to clutter it over the last few months. It now looks like a nursery again. I might put some pictures on here, I love our nursery. I hope Lucy and Rainbow bean love it too. I sat in the rocking chair and looked at the cot, bouncer, cot mobile, the pram still unsued in the box. And of course I cried and cried. The thing with a new pregnancy is it opens up those wounds that have only superficially healed like a knife. I cry a lot for Lucy at the moment, I guess it is hormones and the horror of what happened 7 months ago. There is an advert on the TV for John Lewis, a department store. It shows the progress from a tiny baby girl all the way through her life to a retired lady at the end. It is a very nicely shot advert, and it moves me to tears every time I watch it. I just think of Lucy and all of the dreams I had for her that will never be realised. John just looks at me bemused as I sniffle into my sleeve. I love the music that goes with it too, I am a big fan of The Guillemots and the lead singer covers a Billy Joel song on the advert, it is beautiful.
I haven't been commenting on many blogs of late and for that I apologise, I am afraid the tiredness claims me every evening after work and I am unable to write. I do still read new posts though, and I hope to rectify my poor commenting in the next few weeks if I make it to Second trimester and hopefully start to feel a bit more lively again.
I hear babys heart beating away and my soul is glad. Today I feel so happy, and I love my babies so much.
I have seen my consultant and discussed my care plan for this baby. Scans every 4 weeks from 20 weeks and induction or section at 35 weeks, so baby will be in special care for a little while. That scares me, but we will deal with that when and if we make it that far. I also took the plunge and booked a gender scan for 16 weeks. I want to know what the sex is this time for a number of reasons. I am looking forward to it very much. As time progresses I am getting a little more excited. I dare to hope. I dare to dream. I have been into the nursery and tidied the life junk away that we had allowed to clutter it over the last few months. It now looks like a nursery again. I might put some pictures on here, I love our nursery. I hope Lucy and Rainbow bean love it too. I sat in the rocking chair and looked at the cot, bouncer, cot mobile, the pram still unsued in the box. And of course I cried and cried. The thing with a new pregnancy is it opens up those wounds that have only superficially healed like a knife. I cry a lot for Lucy at the moment, I guess it is hormones and the horror of what happened 7 months ago. There is an advert on the TV for John Lewis, a department store. It shows the progress from a tiny baby girl all the way through her life to a retired lady at the end. It is a very nicely shot advert, and it moves me to tears every time I watch it. I just think of Lucy and all of the dreams I had for her that will never be realised. John just looks at me bemused as I sniffle into my sleeve. I love the music that goes with it too, I am a big fan of The Guillemots and the lead singer covers a Billy Joel song on the advert, it is beautiful.
I haven't been commenting on many blogs of late and for that I apologise, I am afraid the tiredness claims me every evening after work and I am unable to write. I do still read new posts though, and I hope to rectify my poor commenting in the next few weeks if I make it to Second trimester and hopefully start to feel a bit more lively again.
I hear babys heart beating away and my soul is glad. Today I feel so happy, and I love my babies so much.
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